Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, March 10, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum
To start this week’s edition of the Saturday Funnies I want to share a lesson. The trouble is I can’t decide what kind of lesson it is – math, civics, American history, psychology, psychiatry --- law, any of them will do with this one.
As I ‘disclaim’ every week, The Saturday Funnies are not written by me.
Rather, they are among the emails I get Sunday through Friday that make me laugh. They come from readers everywhere and my only rule is “I love funny, I hate filthy.’ (Trust me, some embarrass me!)
Okay. Here’s this week’s lesson and, yes, it was among the emails I greatly enjoy:
* * *
In their infinite wisdom, the United States’ Founders created the Electoral College to ensure each state was were fairly represented. Why should one or two densely populated areas speak for the whole of the nation?
The following list of statistics has been making the rounds on the Internet. It should finally put an end to the argument as to why the Electoral College makes sense.
If for nothing else, this will help people understand the Electoral College much better. And once you understand, you’ll see it is amazingly simple.
There are 3,141 counties in the United States.
In last year’s presidential election, Trump won 3,084 of them.
Clinton won 57.
There are 62 counties in New York State.
Trump won 46 of them.
Clinton won 16.
Clinton won the popular vote by approx. 1.5 million votes.
In the five counties that encompass NYC, (Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Richmond & Queens) Clinton received well over two million more votes than Trump. (Clinton only won four of these counties; Trump won Richmond).
Therefore, these five counties alone, more than accounted for Clinton winning the popular vote of the entire country.
These five counties comprise 319 square miles.
The United States is comprised of 3,797,000 square miles.
When you have a country that encompasses almost 4 million square miles of territory, it would be ludicrous to even suggest that the vote of those who inhabit a mere 319 square miles should dictate the outcome of a national election.
Large, densely populated Democrat cities (NYC, Chicago, and Los Angeles) do not and should not speak for the rest of our country!
Finally, it has been verified and documented that those aforementioned 319 square miles are where the majority of our nation’s problems foment.
* * *
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.  He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr.Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh!! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back.  That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1,000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here is your $1,000" (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
Remember:  Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
* * *
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.  They were gazing lovingly at each other and were holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully began by saying to the man, "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't.  She just walked in the front door."
* * *
 A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!
(DISCLAIMER – I love funny, not filthy. The way I look at it is that you can find the two above-mentioned products in any drug store, and as for holes, everybody has at least seven not counting your “used” belly-button … I made you count, didn’t I?)

Good Discussions About Education

I had the pleasure to represent Tennessee PTA at the National PTA Legislative Conference in Washington, DC. I want to thank Senator Bob Corker for allowing me to speak about education and school safety to his legislative assistant. We had a good discussion about common sense school safety measures and about supporting family education. In particular, I asked for support about ... (click for more)

Can Anyone Say Who's Relieving Themselves At Downtown Establishments?

Roy, as usual you run first without getting all the facts. I've known several people, even relatives, who work or have worked at downtown restaurants or other places of business. It's not unusual for them to happen upon some individual, not a beggar or homeless person, while taking out trash or going outside on a break, spraying the side of a restaurant wall while relieving themselves, ... (click for more)

Driver Crashes Into Forgotten Child Fund Building

T he Forgotten Child Fund building on East Main Street suffered an estimated $70,000 when a car crashed into it early Sunday morning. The driver in the wreck was arrested. Officials of the fund had to shut off electricity and water to the building. The fund provides presents to needy children at Christmas. (click for more)

Severe Storms Possible On Monday

The Chattanooga area could see severe storms on Monday. Here is the Hazardous Weather Warning from the National Weather Service: Severe Thunderstorms Possible late Monday and Monday Evening... ...Rain Changing to Snow Showers across the Higher Elevations Tuesday Night through Wednesday Night... Another storm system will move across the Southern Appalachian Region on Monday ... (click for more)

Ooltewah Wins Wildcat Classic Again

Early season prep baseball tournaments are meant for a few things; primarily competition, repetition, and learning a few things about your team over the course of a few games.   The Ooltewah Owl baseball nine apparently has learned it likes collecting championship trophies in them as well.   For the second year in a row, the Owls won the longstanding ... (click for more)

UTC's Carr Run at NCAAs Ends in the Blood Round

University of Tennessee at Chattanooga senior Bryce Carr's run at the NCAA Championships ended tonight in the blood round at Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland, Ohio.  Carr fell to Cornell's Max Dean in the final match of his career. Carr was the aggressor early, with two takedowns in the first period.  He opened up a 4-2 lead after the first period, but could not put ... (click for more)