Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, June 9, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Because many people who read The Saturday Funnies are … a bit older … today we are going to start with a way all of us … from age 15 and up …can stay younger for a long time.
Every week I gather up the funny things that come my way via email and, every week, I want to be totally clear I did not author these, most especially the “school color” you will find within. At the end of today’s story, you can access the story of the horse Secretariat winning Belmont Stakes this time of year 45 years ago.
Please, you’ll love this
It was taken from the movie, “Secretariat,” and just between us, when I need a little nudge, I will go to YouTube and watch as a racehorse proves I can achieve absolutely anything under the sun. But, first, here’s how we stay forever young ….
* * *
WHAT YOU MUST KNOW TO STAY YOUNG
* -- THROW OUT NON-ESSENTIAL NUMBERS -- This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is WHAT WE PAY THEM FOR.
* -- KEEP ONLY CHEEFUL FRIENDS -- The grouches pull you down.
* -- KEEP LEARNING -- Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's family name is Alzheimer's.
* -- ENJOY the simple things.
* -- LAUGH OFTEN, long and loud! Laugh until you gasp for breath.
* -- LET THE TEARS HAPPEN -- Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
* -- BE ALIVE while you are alive.
* -- SURROUND YOURSELF WITH WHAT YOU LOVE -- Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
* -- CHERISH YOUR HEALTH -- If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get some help until you strengthen your grip.
* -- DON’T TAKE GUILT TRIPS -- Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country, but not to where the guilt is.
* -- TELL THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE exactly that. Say “I love you” at every opportunity.
* * *
OUR MAN FRED IS IN DEEP TROUBLE

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'
The next morning Fred got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and Sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife ran out to the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom scale.
Fred has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
* * *
THE NUN WHO CURSED ON THE GOLF COURSE
The nun walked into the Mother Superior’s office and plonks down into a chair, seemingly exhausted. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.     “My, ... What troubles you, Sister?” asked Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” Mother Superior agreed, “so I take it this day of recreation was not relaxing?”
Very far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, ...   I'm sorry to tell you I used profane language today.”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped Mother Superior. “I'm afraid you must tell me all about it!”
“Well, there we were on the 5th tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the best drive of my God-loving life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it went flying straight and true, right along the line I tried for … and it hit a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh my” commiserated Mother Superior. “How unfortunate. But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister.”
“You're right, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had just happened, a squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway.”
“Oh, dear, that would have made me blaspheme” sympathized Mother Superior.
"But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister “and I was so very proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, a hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in the squirrel's grip.   That poor squirrel somehow held onto that golf ball."
“So that is when you must have cursed,” said Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“No, it isn't, and I was truly surprised, but that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel began struggling, twisting and thrashing, enough so the hawk dropped him right there on the green.... and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup.”
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... “You missed the (EXPLETIVE) putt, didn’t you?”
* * *
NOTE: THIS WAS SENT TO ME BY A FORMER AUBURN FOOTBALL PLAYER!
We've all wondered how the school colors were chosen. Here's the scoop...
Some Tennessee, Georgia, Auburn and Alabama fans decided that black-and-white school colors were a bit too dull. So, they called upon God to give them colors that would truly represent them. First, the Tennessee fans stepped before God and asked for their school's colors.
God said, "When I see Tennessee, I see a great big orange sun coming up over puffy white clouds. Tennessee will be orange and white.”
Next, the Georgia fans stood before God and asked for their school colors. God said, "I see a field of fertile black soil... from which will grow a beautiful field of red roses. Georgia will be black and red."
The Auburn fans were next. God said as he patted his favorite sons on the head, "When I think of my beautiful Auburn, I see a glorious sky of blue with the bright shining orange sun shining down on my favorite town. You, my loved ones, your colors are orange and blue."
God then turned to the Alabama fans and said quite hastily, "Umm ... your colors are crimson and white."
Later, after the fans had left, St. Peter came to God and said, "Lord, as you handed out each fan's colors, you explained their origin – all but the Alabama fans. I'm curious. Why crimson and white? What do you see when you think of Alabama?"
"I see the same thing as you see," God said, "...white trash and red necks".
* * *
SATURDAY FUNNIES’ BONUS
Today marks the 150th running of the Belmont Stakes, which is the third leg in horse racing’s Triple Crown, and a horse named Justify has already won this year’s Kentucky Derby and Preakness, thus has a strong chance to master the mile-and-a-half, the longest distance in track racing. Justify is the 33rd horse during history to wheel into the cat bird seat but, mind you, only 12 have ever succeeded in winning all three races.
It was 45 years ago at Belmont when Secretariat, voted 17th not long ago as the greatest “athlete” this world has ever known, set track records at the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness (Baltimore) and the Belmont. It’s just a 25-mile train ride from Manhattan to Elmont, N.Y., where the Belmont is darn-near mythical as the crown’s most grueling test.
Don’t look for a lot of gambling on Justify. He’s a 6-5 value (c’mon, don’t dare touch that!), which is to say he’s no percentage to a serious gambler, and the action in today’s race comes down to raw speed, brilliant horsemanship, and the animal’s willpower.
Secretariat was in a dead heat with a horse named Sham entering the final turn at Belmont in 1973 when jockey Ron Turcotte gave ‘Big Red,’ his nickname, the reins. That moment became the defining moment in all of horse racing as the big chestnut streaked to the finish line by a never-yet-equaled 31 lengths.
Secretariat had a stride of 26 feet … that’s right, the distance of his front hooves to the next. His speed at a full gallop was 49 miles an hour with a stride index of 110 degrees, but when he died in 1989 due to laminitis (a fatal horse disease), the autopsy reveals his heart, normally 8-9 pounds in a thoroughbred bred, weighed 22 pounds.
His owner, renowned Seth Hancock of Claiborne Farms in Paris, Ky., said of him: “You want to know who Secretariat is in human terms? Just imagine the greatest athlete in the world. The greatest. Now make him six-foot-three, the perfect height. Make him real intelligent and kind. And, on top of that, make him the best-lookin' guy ever to come down the pike. He was all those things as a horse.”
There is a clip from the wonderful movie, “Secretariat” of his famous ride in the Belmont. Please note there is actual television footage of him pulling away – this really happened -- and, if you are a purist as I, the Biblical quote offered comes from the Bible’s book of Job. It is part of what we read in in chapter 39, verses 19-25:
“Do you give the horse his strength or clothe his neck with a flowing mane? Do you make him leap like a locust, striking terror with his proud snorting? He paws fiercely, rejoicing in his strength, and charges into the fray. He laughs at fear, afraid of nothing; he does not shy away from the sword. The quiver rattles against his side, along with the flashing spear and lance. In frenzied excitement he eats up the ground; he cannot stand still when the trumpet sounds."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vfCMtaNiMDM



Never Replacing Claude Ramsey But Following His Example

When Claude made his decision not to seek reelection as the 26th District state representative I made my intention known to seek the office following him.  Immediately opponents from both parties began to qualify for that opportunity.  With Bill Bennett as my campaign manager and many of Claude’s supporters going door to door into the community, as Claude had done in his ... (click for more)

Remove Mental Health Stigma And Open Communication

Many of our youth worry excessively and are perplexed at how everyone else seems to have it all figured out. Their anxieties could be a result of peer rejection, their parents' divorce, feeling too different, failure at school, how they look to others, or societal issues.  As a result of their fears and worries, their quality of life suffers and anxieties increase. They ... (click for more)

Voters May Decide In November On Whether To Eliminate City Court

Chattanooga voters in November may get to vote on whether City Court should be abolished. City Council members indicated during budget talks on Tuesday that may be an upcoming referendum question. Councilman Jerry Mitchell said he, for one, "would vote to eliminate it." However, he said the court would apparently run through 2021 when the eight-year terms of Judges Sherry ... (click for more)

Shelbyville Cabinet Maker Wins $2 Million In Lottery

Twice was nice for a lucky Shelbyville man, who won big the second time he played Powerball. Matthew Reed, a cabinet maker, won $2 million on Saturday.  “It’s just the second time I’ve played, and I only bought two tickets,” said Mr. Reed, who came to the Tennessee Lottery’s Nashville headquarters office with his grandparents Monday to collect the prize. And because he added ... (click for more)

Ooltewah Swimmers Beat Signal Mountain For First Time

The Ooltewah Tidal Waves had another outstanding performance at their pool Monday night. They knocked off Stuart Heights on Thursday in a battle of unbeaten in the Chattanooga Area Swim League’s Blue division and they added another monumental win four days later as they defeated Signal Mountain for the first time ever. The Tidal Waves led from the opening freestyle event and ... (click for more)

CFC Wins 2-0 At Inter Nashville FC

Chattanooga FC remained undefeated in NPSL play Wednesday night, beating Inter Nashville FC 2-0 in Nashville.   David Valenciano had CFC's first goal late in the first half.  Jose "Zeca" Ferraz scored the second goal minutes before the final whistle.  This is the fourth road game in the last two weeks and they play their final rode game at New ... (click for more)