Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, August 18, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

I have to admit I am still laughing over the fact over 350 newspapers ganged up against President Trump’s stance on Thursday that the media is biased towards his administration. In a concerted effort these newspaper editors proved Trump to be exactly right. How in the name of common sense could any man, event, or natural phenomena cause every newspaper to unite is such a laughable display of hysterical solidarity. To me it is beyond modern-day belief.

So as we take our view away from those who honestly believe they are authorities bigger than those who the citizens of the United States elect into office, here is this week’s collection of the Saturday Funnies. As is always my disclaimer, I did not write these gems; they come from the weekly submissions that trickle into my email stack every day.

And just as openly, I hope you’ll enjoy them as much as I do:

* * *

HOW MUCH YOU RECKON YOU HAVE IN THE BANK?

A young fellow once proposed marriage to his girlfriend. The girl's father, thinking ahead, asked the boy plainly just how much money he had in the bank.

The honest youngster replied, “I don't know!  I haven't shook it lately ... "

* * *

BELIEVE WHAT ANY WOMAN WITH A DRAWN HANDGUN SAYS

This week the pastor also told us about a little old lady who came out of the store with two bags of groceries and spied four big men sitting in her car, just lounging there with the windows down. She carefully set down her groceries and approached the vehicle with her handgun drawn.

"Get out of that car and get away from here!" 

They eagerly complied, with no resistance or argument. After the dust settled, she loaded her groceries in the back seat, then got in front to drive away. But her key wouldn't fit in the ignition; turned out it wasn't her car after all!

So she found her own proper car and drove straight to the police station to confess. As she was describing the situation to the man at the front desk, he began to laugh and laugh and laugh. "See those 4 big guys back there?  They're trying to convince our guys that some little old lady highjacked their car just now!"

* * *

THE PARABLE OF TWO SOCKS

One fellow that I taught with years ago said that after classes one day, he went to the remote parking lot and got in his gold-colored Toyota station wagon and drove away, headed for home to change clothes and then to run his afternoon paper route.

He discovered some time later that the car he was in wasn't his -- and he found out even later that some other fellow at the school had discovered that the gold Toyota station wagon he was driving wasn't his car, either!

Some folks find such things amazing -- like the guy who discovered that he had two identical pairs of socks, each consisting of one black sock and one red sock.

If you can't work that one out by yourself, maybe I'll try to explain it to you.  Just remember, I may be able to explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.

* * *

THE HEART DOCTOR HAD A CLASSIC COMEBACK

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS-460 when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in his shop who was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The surgeon who was a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

“So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M, when you and I are doing basically the same work?” The doctor paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...... "Try doing it with the engine running.”

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST ONE LINERS

Top answering machine message: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

- - -

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

- - -

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

- - -

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

- - -

The irony of life is that, by the time you're enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

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God made man before woman so he would have time to think of an answer for her first question.

- - -

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

- - -

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

* * *

“THANK YOU LORD FOR ANSWERING OUR PRAYERS”

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced. "Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank."

The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the correct word is sternum."

* * *

THINGS THAT PEOPLE IN THE SOUTH SOMETIMES SAY

* -- A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

* -- There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

* -- There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

* -- If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

* -- ‘Onced’ and ‘Twiced’ are really words.

* -- It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

* -- ‘Jawl-P?’ means, Did you all go to the bathroom?

* -- People actually grow, eat, and like okra.

* -- ‘Fixinto’ is one word. It means I'm going to do that.

* -- There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.

* -- Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.

* -- Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

* -- The word ‘jeet’ is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

* -- You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

* -- You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

* -- ‘Ya'll’ is singular. ‘All ya'll’ is plural.

* -- All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

* -- You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

* -- You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.

* -- The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.

* -- Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name) or Mr. (first name)

* -- You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

* -- You know what a "hissy" fit is.

* -- Fried catfish is the other white meat.

* -- We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

royexum@aol.com



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