The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, September 22, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Before we get into this week’s edition of The Saturday Funnies, I want to share a fun chunk of information that we can have a lot of fun with tonight. Our pals at the website timeanddate.com were good enough to pass along the fact today marks the September Equinox. And – get this -- if you play this right, it will be just like the farmer says: “On the field of opportunity, it’s plowin’ time again!”

Twice every year – in September and March – planet Earth has an equinox. Believe it or not, it doesn’t take all day for it to happen. Nope, it occurs in literally “the twinkling of an eye” when the sun shines exactly equal on the equator and day-and-night are the exact same.

The top half of earth celebrates the September equinox, also called the “autumnal equinox,” where summer turns to fall. At the same time, the “vernal (spring) equinox” happens in the southern hemisphere. You see, only two times during the year is the tilt of the earth’s axis at an angle of about 23.4” which puts the celestial equator (an imaginary line in the sky above the real equator) directly perpendicular to the sun’s rays.

What a magical moment just waiting for something big to happen!

Again, in the purest form the moment lasts only seconds and, because I know where to look and you don’t, that magic moment will be at precisely 9:54 pm EDT in Chattanooga tonight. Think of the possibilities? What fabulous time to propose, buy a lottery ticket, conceive a “sun,” say a prayer!! What if somebody you love is going through a rough spot and you were to tell them you care – right at 9:54 p.m.when a change is guaranteed. Are you kidding me?

Now, if you don’t live in Chattanooga (as a surprising number of my readers, believe it or not) go to the timeanddate.com website, fill in the information, and you’ll find out when your magical moment will be today. And if the stars don’t happen to align to fit your wish tonight, we’ll try again when the spring equinox will happen in Chattanooga on Wednesday, March 20, 2019 at 5:59 pm EDT

Here comes the fun stuff: As always, my disclaimer is that I don’t write The Saturday Funnies. I just pass along the merriment my readers share with me over the Internet. And, yes, on this First Day of Fall, I think we have some dandies:

* * *
A WIFE WITH NOTHING TO LOSE
During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric Boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore. Anyone who survived the swim would be rewarded with $5 million... but if killed by the crocs... $2 million will be given to the next of kin.
For a long period of time no one dared take up the challenge... then suddenly a man jumped in...and swam frantically for his life towards shore pursued by the crocs...and luckily he made it unscathed.
When he managed to recover his breath... the man, who became instant millionaire, shouted asking who pushed him into the pond... Well, duh, it was his wife who did it!
And from that day...that was how the phrase... "Behind every successful man...there's a woman"...came about!

* * *
THE OLD MAN WHO HAD NO ENEMIES
All of us should live so long we could be like Walter Barnes. If not please put me in the church congregation when, toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
About 80% held up their hands.  The Minister then repeated his question.  All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.
"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual.  How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied, as the congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived every one of those awful (expletives.)”
Then he calmly returned to his seat.

* * *
THESE ARE THE ANSWERS BY SOME NFL PLAYERS ‘WHY THEY KNEEL’
In a recent polling of 585 NFL players, nearly all of them were unsure of exactly what they are protesting regarding the position of kneeling during the playing of the National Anthem. Here's a sampling of responses to the question: "What are you protesting by kneeling during the National Anthem?"
* -- “Pretty sure it's against Nazis - especially the white ones."
* -- "We're protesting America becoming capitalistic instead of equal."
* -- "I'm protesting against Trump saying black lives don't matter."
* -- “We're against global warming and the police."
* -- "We're showing the world that we care about, ah, things such as.... such as... ah, freedom from suppression?"
* -- "Me and my fellow players are protesting the Constitution of Independence because of what it does to people of color."
* -- "We are displaying our right to stand up by kneeling for our beliefs."
* -- "We are protesting Trump, because he, you know, keeping the black man down."
* -- "Myself is kneeling to show that just because I'm American don't mean I got to act like one."
Note: All the above comments are from National Football League players with four years in college. The average salary of an NFL players is $1,900,000 …… is this a great country or what !!!

* * *
MEN WILL UNDERSTAND … WOMEN WILL NOT
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados"
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My work is done here.

* * *
SHE SAID THERE WAS WATER IN THE CARBURETOR
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?”
WIFE: "In the pool".
* * *
THE JOY THAT COMES WITH HER FIRST CELL PHONE
A young man wanted to get his beautiful wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. “Hey Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

* * *
“HE MUST PAY … HE MUST PAY DEARLY … “
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No, darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."
TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

* * *
A SHORT, BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own (expletive) blanket!'
* * *
WISDOM RULE No. 34 -- "Don’t mix bad words with your bad mood. You'll have many opportunities to change a mood, but you'll never get the opportunity to replace the words you spoke." – Unknown.

royexum@aol.com


Why I Support Esther Helton

There are several things that Ms. Helton would like to see improved within District 30, which includes East Hamilton County, including areas of Chattanooga, East Ridge, East Brainerd, Apison, and Collegedale. These are very serious issues such as healthcare, vocational education and good paying jobs and keeping our taxes low. The two issues I’m supporting Ms. Helton is one, the ... (click for more)

Wayne Thompson For East Ridge Court Clerk

I would like to take this opportunity to endorse Wayne Thompson for Court Clerk of East Ridge.  I have known Wayne for nearly 40 years.  Wayne grew up right here in East Ridge.  He dedicated his entire adult life to serving the citizens of East Ridge and just doesn’t feel like he is done yet.  He is still a young man and has lots of life ahead of him.  ... (click for more)

Motorcyclist Brennan Wilson, 26, Killed In Accident On Highway 153 Sunday Evening

Brennan Wilson, 26, was killed in an accident on Sunday on Highway 153. The Chattanooga Police Department's Traffic Unit responded at approximately 7:56 p.m. to a fatality crash at 5200 Highway 153. A Ford Fiesta, driven by Rachael Daniels, 19, was facing southbound in the left turn lane waiting for northbound traffic to clear the intersection. She stated to police she waited ... (click for more)

Sears At Hamilton Place To Close

Sears at Hamilton Place Mall is on the list of the latest Sears department stores to close.   It is one of four on the list in Tennessee to shut its doors.   The Sears at Northgate Mall will remain open for now.   The annoucement case as Sears on Monday filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.   It announced the closing of 142 Sears ... (click for more)

Prep Soccer Teams Prepare For Post-Season Runs

The girls soccer post-season is upon us and several local teams will be playing for a spot in the state tournament next week in Murfreesboro.  DIvision II teams will play first round state games at higher seeds.   In Division II-A, CCS earned the top seed in the East on Saturday with a 2-0 region championship win over CAK. That win gives them a bye this ... (click for more)

Randy Smith: The Battle Captain Leads The Choir

"We don't give a damn about the whole state of Alabama, whole state of Alabama, whole state of Alabama. We don't give a damn about the whole state of Alabama....we're from Tennessee."   Those were the words that rang from the jubilant Tennessee locker room late Saturday afternoon, just a few minutes after the Volunteers had knocked off 21st ranked Auburn 30-24 and the ... (click for more)